I can't chill out..

9 Mar 2010

Unofficial

This was one crazy weekend. I ran away from home, and I wanted to get my boyfriend worried and make him chase after me. I escaped through a window. I was so drunk because I didn’t eat dinner instead I just had an apple. I wanted to get drunk and get lost and get so drunk. Joseph Arthur made some interesting statements about what it means to be an addict, once an addict always an addict. An addict for life, and you just know. I was so unhappy and uncomfortable, and dealing with a drunk and crying Andrew who was saying that I disrespect him. And saying that he doesn’t care if I stay or if I go, or if I break up with him or not. And then the next day he justified all of it by saying that he was drunk. Yet I think that there is a grain of truth in everything, and he doesn’t say anything. He just denies that saying. I just love Joseph Arthur. I’ve been unhappy and stressed out, and not getting what I want. I just need to feel like I know myself, and I don’t. And I need Andrew to do more for me.

Right now he asked me if i want to take shots, as he was leaving the room. What kind of a joke is that? Was that supposed to make me laugh after this weekend? Really? I don’t know, I think I love him (man that does not sound right, now does it?) but I feel so angry and am driven so crazy by him.

9 Mar 2010

hey

So I’m journaling from my boyfriends labtop. I am too messed up for words. We tell each other that we love each other. What does that mean though? I mean I’m reading Tess of the D’Urbervilles, and that book just goes to show love is so fickle. Promises aren’t real, they fade with time. Not even with time but they just kind of fall away when something horrible happens. I started asking him if he would ever forgive me if I did something horrible if like I cheated. I asked him if he would forgive me, and at least he was honest—he said he didn’t know. Then I questioned myself how I felt, and I didn’t know either. But I want to be better, I want to show unconditional love. I guess its something that you have to work at. I don’t know exactly how to think about these things anymore.

1 Feb 2010

More texts II

July 2, 2008

Events concerning my photography class and a boy I liked. My first “Cong” moment.

from: Kaja

Lmao. That took me awhile to get. But now that I got it im excited to hear it. Ill be busy tomorrow. U wanna share now?

August 25, 2008

About college.

from: Kaja

So i just jointed at least 30 clubs. Got 5 compliments on the dress i bought with u and went on 2 dates yesterday. This place is insane!

September 16, 2008

Already talking about herself and Austin as a “we”.

from: Kaja

I know cuz im just awesome like that. I need to keep up with your life too. What kinda friend would i b if i didnt? Oh n “we” as in austin and i. :)

March 15, 2009

On homesickness.

from: Kaja

I miss u so much. I miss all of u girls. And I feel like im losing all of u and in the process losing a very big part of my life and me.

April 16, 2009

On deciding on which college to go to.

from: Kaja

Omg :] thats awesome but think it over.

April 29, 2009

On my 19th birthday, the start of my 20th year?

from: Martyna

Happy birthday hun bun! I wish u a million smiles, lots of kisses and hugs, and an amazing 20th year. Hope life brings u all the best bc u deserve it. <3

June 15, 2009

My own text. My time for a 5k 28: 15.

July 31, 2009

After my knee running accident.

from: Kaja

Hey i acnt run either. Different reasons but same result. Anyways when we’ running the marathon together next summer you wont even remember about the fall.

October 10, 2009

The night I went out with Marie, and then we met up with Andrew.

from: Marie H.

yayyyyyyy there ganging up on me =) I’ll meet u in yhe hallway dear

December 13, 2009

I had a panic attack about one situation or another. I was late to two church masses because I was lying in bed with Andrew and just talking about random shit. We didn’t actually l get anything done that day. I just felt tired all day. Andrew and I talked about how we see our lives and careers. He is more family oriented. I definitely am not. I like my space and I want to travel. I don’t want to settle. I don’t know what I want from life. I spiraled out of control. The usual.

from Kaja:

Just breathe. And take it one day at a time. Love u! And its ok.

Omg i read your message. Deleted it cuz i have no space. went to contacts, and started typing austin. cuz that who that made me think of. we’ll talk tonight <3.

Ps. Now u know ALL my deep dark secrets when it comes to guys. Haha. I just realized that. Ive got nothing more to tell u. Weird!

December 15, 2009

My mommy wishing me luck on one of my exams. Either English or Calc.

from: Mamusia Basia

Jestem pewna ze ci dobrze pojdzie bede myslec o tobie powodezenia Asienko aby Duch Swiety oswiecal twoj umysl i love you

December 17, 2009

After I told Mark that when I first saw him I thought he was a bartender.

from: Mark Calgano

Really? (and i totally did a Jim face when I read that)

I later told him that I got caught dancing to the Black Eyed Peas in the elevator.

Dancing to what and how awesome were your moves? :)

After finding out the results from my Calc exam.

from: Kaja

Wow! Congrats! And remember how much u freaked out about this class in the beginning! See NO reason to stress. Next time u stress i will punch u. :)

December 19, 2009

Went out to Joe’s with Karolina, and later went Salsa dancing at Clark’s.

from: Kaja

I swear if you do anything but dance!

December 21, 2009

Thanking me for making his scarf..

from: Andrew

Aite chica don’t worry i appreciate u doing this for me that is all that matters

December 22, 2009

After almost getting a ticket for public indecency.

from: Andrew

Its all good chica don’t worry. I am glad we had am adventure today it was a lot of fun. Am gonna nap for a bit. So I’ll be out of contact.

December 24, 2009

from: Mark Calgano

Merry Christmas eve, and if I may be so bold, Merry Christmas as well :)

December 28, 2009

Planning our date before Zoolights.

from: Andrew

What is up with all this love being sent my way. :-) I like it. Boo am going home yay and straight to bed. Btw were still on for 2morrow at 530 or 6. Gnite

December 30, 2009

from: Andrew

Hey chica i just woke up from my nap. I guess i was more tired than i thought. Sorry about ur eye chica i wish i was 2 give it a healing touch

14 Dec 2009

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Play count: 32

12 Dec 2009

More quotes

Dec. 7. 2009 Random text.

Mark: sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm.

Dec. 8. 2009 After having a walk with Andrew. He says that he needs to talk to me about family stuff. But he acts weird about it.

Don’t stress about this right now cuz i don’t want u putting ur energy into this cuz u need to rest up for tomorrow. :-) dobranoc! ;-) boosa

No omg it has nothing about karolina. Poor karolina! lol jo jo please stop pondering all the possible things get some sleep. I so regret saying anything tonite.

dobranoc! Sweet dreams too chica. Just think of tomorrow like anh other day because it is. :-)  its a day u always dream of having because ur gonna be productive and super accomplished after its done. Do ur best and am sure u will surprise urself! ;-)

Dec.9. 2009 Talking to Mark about roomate problems.

mark: Well you’re not alone :) i’m always a call or text away, and i’m sure so are Martyna and everyone else.

Its a risk,yes, but if it works in your favor you get acceptance. sure you’ll look a little follish, but the result is worth it.

Thats the Joanna i know :) talk to you later

Dec. 9. 2009 Talking to Cathy, updating on life. My status on fb was “detoxification begins now”.

Btw I heard that you and a certain john doe have officially become an item. This is cathy btw

Yes actually. Got it last weekend but I have finals this week so I haven’t used it much. Glad I could be a ray of sunshine on such a crummy day :)

Is this the john doe who is older than you or the dancing partner one? I’m pretty sure it would be older man

So now you’re giving him lessons I think there’s no other solution. There’s no way that you, being smoking hot on the dance floor, could abstain from it for long.

Dec. 11. 2009 Talking about bollywood night.

Andrew: Yea chica i am just gonna sleep sorry about it not working out tonite. They are still working on the subtitle thing but id think am gonna see the movie.

I really need my sleep and get shit done tomorrow. Don’t apologize for that u tried and it didn’t work out. ;-) at least u tried

Goodnite chica! I’ll give u the bag with the yard tomorrow :-)

Dec. 12. 2009 After having met Steve with whom things may not have gone very well. I sent her some texts to make her feel better.

Kaja: U don’t need to txt back But I just got all of your txts . Thanks for the support. :) I’ll talk to you later.

Tags: quotes.

12 Dec 2009

Quotes

Oct. 12. 2009  After Cly’s with Kaja, KevKev, and Andy

Kaja: I know!!! I hate Kevin Moss too! I mean kev kev. Just get some sleep and we’l talk tomorrow. Love ya!

Oct 16. 2009  Going home on the bus, talking to Mark

Mark: I feel like a spy texting without anyone else knowing. :)

Oct 18. 2009 Andy gave me a ride back to Champaign

Maggie: Did your mom have a heart attack?

Oct. 20. 2009 Talking to Kaja about Andy and me being indecisive about him. Saying that he never says nice things like “sweet dreams”.

Kaja: Im home :) sweet dreams!

Oct 21. 2009 Andrew staying over almost the whole night.

Kaja (2:32 AM) Ok. Enough of the kissy kissy and chit chat. Its sleepy time!. Night night. Sweet dreams.

Maggie (3:13 AM) Baby girl, you need to get some sleep. You will already be having a panic attack tomorrow when you feel like you got nothing done today :)

Oct 25. 2009 He’s finally learning what I need to hear.

Andrew (3:36 AM): goodnight, kolorowych snow :-)

Oct. 29. 2009 Before some exam.

Andrew (10:37AM) : Good luck wish u the best. a boosa for good luck! :-)

Andrew (1:52 PM) I am glad it did! :-) yay ur all done with ur exams and paper for the week.

Andrew (3:50 PM): Most likely around 5. How about I call you when am outside ur house and u let ur grandma know that am there. she can make some chai and we chill for a bit :-) jk

Andrew (3:53 PM): Good L-) me and ur grandma have a date i hope that is ok with u? :-)

Oct. 30. 2009 Andrew and I are hanging out, Kaja has issues.

Kaja (1:14 AM) And u were gonan ditch him for me!? Aww, i love u! But no im fine u enjoy your night. Say i say hello. And don’t do anything i wouldn’t do! ;)

Nov. 1. 2009 Me staying at Andy’s after Holloween.

Kaja: Im home! Plz be careful. When make desicions think in the long run! What owuld karolina do? Love u!

Nov. 1. 2009 Me stressing about something. Messing that I need a boosa.

Andrew (11:35 PM): Sadly it can’t! :-) aite i think am gonna put on a movie and sleep too. definitely get some sleep, destress, and know am there to help u :-)

Nov. 5. 2009 He’s going to Chicago. We’re signing the lease.

Andrew (5:51 PM) Ah i wanted a boosa before i hit the road its ok. :(

Andrew (7:24 PM) Ok i am just glad that ur staying with good people money comes and goes. :-)

Nov. 24. 2009 Kaja back from gyno.

Kaja (2:46 PM): Sorry we’ll talk later. But ya i was refering to my dr. I feel really good now. Like y know when u come outta a really really good confession… Thats how i feel.

Nov. 29. 2009 He came home from Thanksgiving break.

Yo am finally here! Am unpacking but i wanna big boosa before i go park the car and sleep. Can we do that?

Nov. 30. 2009 The day after we went running and ran in a puddle and mud, we ran through the cemetary.

Kaja: A girl just walked passed me on the phone. She said ” i think i just pulled a toe muscle” i thought of us!

Dec. 2. 2009 After I aced my math exam.

Mom: Hurrrrrra wiedzialam ze lubisz matme. kocham cie bardzo

Dec. 6. 2009 At Ashok’s birthday, me being drunk and stupid. Knowing that I have to study the next day.

Kaja (2:02 AM) Joanna. Uknow i love u and thats why im saying this. U need to think soem of your decisions through. We will talk about this later.

Tags: quotes.

9 Dec 2009

I am so cold. I am always so cold. Well, no not really, but right now I am. Our place is freezing. I don’t like to read my old posts. I would much rather read them much later on in time. So they don’t influence what I am writing right now. Like right now I felt really loved, I got so many calls and texts. I got contacted by Mark, Cathy, Kaja. It just felt good. It made me feel really loved. I guess thats double the love if I said it twice like that. I feel really much better. Better than crying in the shower yesterday. I just came in the room. I saw that Maggie put candy in my shoes as a gesture for St. Nick’s day. I came in and saw it. And I gave her a hug. I was kind of crying though. So I said that I had a crappy day and I went to take a shower. But in the shower I had a meltdown. She texted Andrew telling him about it. I was pretty much over the whole thing when he brought it up today. Then I started thinking about things again. And I felt not so good. But I chilled with the roomies and things are getting better. I am knitting and I watched Glee with them. It was good… I am going to catch a movie tonight with Andrew. It should be good. I need to read to relax. I feel like sometimes I am very strung out with him. I don’t know but that is just the way I respond when I know that he is stressed. I need to be able to separate my own emotions from his. I hate to say this but Mark and I are never in the same place at the same time. I hate it. But I mean I am happy where I am with Andrew right now. It’s not like that. It’s like they are very different people. They give me different things. Mark is hi-larious. Andrew on the other hand listens and he can be very sweet. He is like a girl. Okay I need to stop. Im going to see the movie. Now.

8 Dec 2009

the problem is, that he can be such a downer sometimes. i can’t remember the last time we laughed at something together. but that could be just because i can’t remember the last time i’ve laughed about something in general. no, that is a lie. i’ve laughed with kaja and with mark. this is pathetic.

but i like him so much. i can’t help myself. it’s like an explosion. oh my God. that was soo cheesy. It’s embarrassing. I know that he is stressed out about the MCATs and I am stressed out about figuring out what to do with my life. Okay, I get that. But I don’t understand. Aren’t we supposed to be super happy and obsessed with each other. I mean, yes, movies lie, but still.

6 Dec 2009

Ashok’s Birthday 12.05/06.09

There are two things that I feel like are bothering me. I feel like a fuck up for disappointing Kaja. I mean I disappointed Karolina even when I feel like she has done many things that were worse than what I have done and I have not judged her for it. And I know that she is not judging me. Or at least I hope that she isn’t.  But I have not even been disappointed in her. I think that most of her actions I have tried to take at face value. Where as here she is just making assumptions. Okay, not stop. She is obviously not making assumptions. I am, about what she is feeling and thinking. That is wrong and I obviously need to get a grip. Things are not always as bad as they seem.

So Andrew keeps telling me that he likes me very, very, very, very, very much. (Yes, he does say very that many times.) And that worries him, and it obviously worries me. How can we get attached when he is going to be moving away and I am staying in Champaign. And a long-distance relationship is not something that I can handle. Without him here to keep me in check I could see myself losing control. I would like to say that I know how to make the right decisions about drinking. And I really do make the right decisions about alcohol—when I am sober. But, when I am already tipsy I worry that I let go of all of my rules. Another thing is that he appreciates that I am trying to get to know more of his friends. (Like he got to know Karolina and my roommates.) Although I wish that I could see him in more dynamic situations with his friends. I want to see how he interacts with people. What I do not like is that he is almost kind of shy. For example Nikhil is the outgoing, funny, but sensible guy of the group. He knows how to talk to people. (I mean not that Andrew doesn’t he just goes about it in a different way.) ALSO, I think that he gets upset when he just sees me talking to other guys. Just having a conversation. Proof 1) Some random Brazilian guy who was drunk came up to me at Clybourne’s yesterday when we were leaving. He started asking me who I’m with and what I’m all about. He was basically hitting on me but I was just laughing him off. I mean I obviously did not just laugh in his face or anything. But I was responding and playing along. Later Andrew was asking me all of these questions about who I was with and what we were talking about. 2) At Ashok’s party yesterday I was dancing with people and grinding on Nikhil. There was a whole line of people. Okay. I mean, yes, it was stupid but really it meant nothing. Totally innocent. He came up behind me and said lets leave them. 3) I was talking to some guy who claimed he was a bartender. He was explaining to me how he mixes drinks. Andrew just came up to me later and started asking me what were talking about and what was going on.

Here are yet two more things that I am concerned about. The first thing that worries me is that he drinks too much. Although, by college standards he does not even do as much as the majority of the population. I guess I am just confused because as we were getting in the car, and he was going to buy more alcohol for the party he said that he wasn’t in the mood for drinking. However when we arrived and we were talking in his room he said that he was going to drink tonight. Then I asked him, while I was still sober, how I would get home if he was drunk. Because I was certainly not going to get in the car with him or anyone else for that matter who was drinking. He said that he would drive me home or that someone else sober would get the car and drive me home. At that point I was slightly annoyed but I was also looking for a reason to stay over. Any kind of reason so that I could stay at his place. (Even though in the back of my head I knew that I had a shitload of things to take care of the next day.) But anyways he had two shots with Nikhil, a beer, at least four shots with me, then he was drinking another beer and to top it all off he was drinking champaign. I was supposed to take one shot. I ended up taking four that night. Of course I was fine, but shit I knew when it hit me later. (I ended up drinking so much water and eating pita bread. Haha) I think that he and I have the same problem. We may drink when we are upset. He went out to party and drink (under the guise of taking out his cousin Marty who needed cheering up because he did badly on a chemistry exam) that one time we had a talk about how I feel torn apart by all of my commitments. (Commitments to him and my friends, as well as not being able to find any alone time.) I was upset this evening because I feel like there are weird vibes between me and my roommates. I can’t seem to figure out how they feel about me. But anyways they were just assuming that I was going to stay at Andrews even when I told them that I might, or I might not. Then I told them that I decided to stay and Maggie said that they figured that. (But I came home for the night, so ha! I proved them wrong. Made it to my own bed tonight!) It’s like we are both drinking to forget, getaway, escape. I don’t know. I really don’t think that I should be even thinking or writing about this yet. I need to clear my mind and decide how I feel about this whole situation.

The second thing that worries me is that he can get angry easily. He may have a temper. It’s hard to tell because we have never gotten into a serious argument. But I hate to fight. I just can’t stand the yelling and screaming. I don’t know how he argues and how he fights. But he told me (and once again telling someone something while level headed is completely different than how you might act in the heat of the moment) that the worse that he has ever done is to yell and walk away. I don’t yell. I just walk away. I think too much. I guess why I am bringing this up is because yesterday when I was trying to sober up I texted Karolina that I was kind of drunk. She told that me that I should rethink my decisions. Especially since I have a lot to do this Sunday. I need to write an English paper and finish several other assignments. (Like my philosophy paper and my GS project.) Anyways, after I took a walk with Andrew to sober up I told him that I could walk home by myself. He said that no he would drive me home. I then told him that I would not get in the car with him because he has been drinking. He got upset. I don’t even remember what he said but I could tell because his voice was rising. Anyways he dealt with it in an interesting fashion. He let go of my hand. Walk away to the side of the road. Took five seconds to cool down. Then he came next to me and took my hand again and said that we will go inside, grab my coat and my purse and he will walk me home. That is exactly what happened. Although the whole time I knew that he was pissed at me. Because I kept apologizing and yes he said that it was fine. But, it was just a feeling. So I asked him why he decided to do what he did. He said that he shouldn’t be driving while intoxicated. If the police by any chance caught him his med-school career would be over in a flash. I also refused to get in the car with him and he said that he couldn’t let me walk home alone. (Even when I suggested that he should stay at Ashok’s party and be on the phone with me while I walk home. But whatever.) He wanted to take safe rides home but it was too long of a wait so he just left and he said that he would just walk back home.

The latter half of this, starting where I describe the whole alcohol and anger issues, has been written after I came back from mass. So if there are two different tones throughout this entry that is why.

30 Nov 2009

Euro Reggae Fest

Was on Saturday, and it was fantastic. I went with just Kaja so it was a nice girls night out. We stayed for MARIKa, Jamal, and most of Inner Circle. We danced a lot and just enjoyed ourselves. There was some spinning involved but the ground was made of concrete so we kept it to a minimum. We left after we finally heard Sweat La La La by Inner Circle. (Then we stayed for their cover of Bad Boys haha) It was during that song that one of the DJs wanted to dance with me, and I was just like no, no, no, and Kaja spun me to safety from that one.

Anyways the most interesting part of the night, or rather the most memorable part, was when we were walking to the Congress Theater. We got stopped by two big African American guys. They approached us and said that they were DJing for the show, after the main acts. I didn’t belive them at first. It’s Chicago, come on, anyone can say that. But they showed us their badges and eventually convinced us. They paid us some complements and told us to stop by their booth sometime during the show to get some free CDs. We said sure but kind of laughed it off. However during the Jamal show one of the DJs saw us, and waved to us. The other one called his agent (I don’t know, it was some guy in a suit?) who was asked to escort us up to the stage. However, unfortunately, that did not happen because the bouncers would not let us up without a pass. So the DJ was very sweet and came off of the stage to us, gave us each a CD of his and let us take a picture with him. He told us to stay in touch and send the group picture so he can post it on his website.

And, oh my goodness, when we were leaving… Kaja got approached by a model scout! So cool, he told her she has great dance moves but also beautiful features and great hair. He gave her his website so she could check it out. My girl is gonna be a model! :D

Yesterday, Sunday, she gave me a ride back to Champaign. Her dad, I am sorry to say, is a fucking scary driver. I almost thought I was going to die on several instances. And once, I definitely thought I would die. Yes, there is a scale. I half worked on my Crusoe essay (but not really) and half slept. I, of course, eventually fell asleep and got a crick in my neck. Then I came home, unpacked, and Andrew came over. We ate a little bit of doola and broccoli. We also watched and episode of Scrubs. Good shit. But awkward simultaneously, especially since the whole episode was about couples professing their love for each other… We kind of stopped talking/laughing at this point and the conversation weaned..

Later in the hallway we were kissing, making out, call it what you’d like. But it was funny because it started with a hug. And I interrupt him and tell him that, yeah, sometimes girls really do want a hug. I mean I was enjoying myself. But at the same time, I told him, in other instances I really do JUST WANT A HUG. DAMMIT. Then he could tell I get somewhat upset by the how-much-he-loves-my-ass jokes.

Then I told him how after Thanksgiving break I have become an official paranoid freak. I think that all guys are drunks and, principally, that all they want is sex. They don’t care about you, everything sweet or loving that they do is with the intention to get you to bed. Why do I hold this pessimistic somewhat man-hating view you ask? I don’t know! I have no reason to have this mentality. (Although, really, I don’t hate men, I just think that is the way they are. That is their nature and it can not be helped. I don’t judge. That’s just they way it is.) Anyways, this is because of mi madre. This whole teen pregnancy deal and the fact that he was a dip-shit in need of anger management really doesn’t help. He treated her real bad and he had some shit with me too. Not that I was aware of it at the time. But hangovers were the main reason why he could never make it to visit me. Never sober enough.

So I told my boy, that it’s not about him. I just need to get through this stupid shit of parental issues. And learn to trust people. Well, just guys, just anyone with a penis. Okay, that was unnecessary, but because we are not censoring ourselves, we are not deleting it. Anyways he was very sweet about everything. And to not worry because we are not even there to worry about sex. (Since my moms greatest fear is that I will repeat her mistakes. I guess thats my fear too.)

But away from the negatives. Let me free my mind. Yo, man. (Okay, I was at the Euro Reggae Fest? These are just residuals, they will wear off eventually.) We had a sweet moment were we were giving each other short sweet kisses. And I said it was like the morse code, like he was trying to tell me something. Some kind of message. But I needed a little bit more information to decode. There was some playful banter and it was all very sweet.

There was also a freaking scary moment. Where I told him that I like him a lot. And OH MY GOD I think he’s thinking of the word. The word which I dare not even write. Or type out here. Or even think about. Because we were kind of talking about long term, and I kind of slipped about how I don’t know if I could handle long distance because I like him too much. And I brought up how that one time he said one of us (meaning him, presumably) would get hurt eventually. (Because I think he thought he liked me more than I liked him!) (Or maybe he meant me, that he doesn’t want me to get too attached? I don’t know, in the moment, it seemed like he was talking about himself. Especially when he said that all of this happening is bad, very, very bad. Why? I asked. Because he said he liked me too much… So yeah. Okay. He was definitely talking about himself.)  And I this time around I said that I am in the same place. And he almost started talking about being long-term and talking about that word. And I think I made these bug eyes and which was a clear indicator of no don’t even go there. And that was how that ended. He said that we need to talk about certain things. And that was that. And I need to go bond with my roomates because we’re putting up the tree! Yay, I’m out.